Happy Hogwarts Fun Hour, 1/17
Dec. 10th, 2007 01:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
st_jane_ambulanceWell, last summer I promised to unearth Happy Hogwarts Fun Hour, and now I actually have the time to edit and post it. For those of you who were not there (or have convenienty forgotten), a few years ago Erica and I were remembering what fun we had as the 7:00 gang on the Planet Hippo chatroom way back when, and we decided to do something similar with our now highly-corrupted minds. We chose Harry Potter as our fandom and invited Delaney to join us, and we sort of role-played this thing more or less on the fly in MSN Messenger once a week. We each chose characters and bastardized them to our hearts' content in ways that would have J. K. Rowling rising from her grave to seek revenge on us were she dead (god forbid).
A few cautions: there's not too much to be offended by in this one: hints of slash and solicitation, but it will get stronger in following issues, believe me. There will be, at the very least, copious amounts of slash and love prisms. I know there's at least one person who's found this journal accidentally. Seriously, if you don't know me, or are not okay with this sort of thing, I don't suggest you read this.
Also, my deepest apologies to Ms. Rowling. We were only having fun. We love her stories, and no offense is meant.
Happy Hogwarts Fun Hour, Part the First
by Erica & Marie
April 6, 2004
Wherein the students return to Hogwarts, Neville summons a wood elf, and Hermione's the only one not getting laid.
And that's just chapter one.
Otherwise: I finally saw Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Wow.
A few cautions: there's not too much to be offended by in this one: hints of slash and solicitation, but it will get stronger in following issues, believe me. There will be, at the very least, copious amounts of slash and love prisms. I know there's at least one person who's found this journal accidentally. Seriously, if you don't know me, or are not okay with this sort of thing, I don't suggest you read this.
Also, my deepest apologies to Ms. Rowling. We were only having fun. We love her stories, and no offense is meant.
Happy Hogwarts Fun Hour, Part the First
by Erica & Marie
April 6, 2004
Wherein the students return to Hogwarts, Neville summons a wood elf, and Hermione's the only one not getting laid.
And that's just chapter one.
Erica: Hermione, Dumbledore, Neville, Snape, Leggy
Marie: Harry, Ron, Lupin
Sadly, Delaney does not appear in this session.
Spelling mistakes corrected: 33
***
*First day of the sixth year, all students - save those who missed the train - are in the great hall. people have been sorted and Dumbledore is addressing the crowd*
Dumbledore: Ahem.
Dumbledore: Welcome, I trust all returning students have had uneventful vacations. Now as it is traditional, I must give a few words
Dumbledore: Up sodding faces shut.
Harry: Hey!
Dumbledore: Now we have brought back a previous defense teacher, professor Lupin.
Harry: *gasp*
Dumbledore: Professor, care to great the students?
Professor Lupin: Erm... hello.
Dumbledore: For those who don't care for my decision, refer to my previous words. Now, I advise all students to avoid the forest, thrid floor, and Snape.
Professor Lupin: I second that.
Dumbledore: That is all, enjoy your meal. *sits down*
Harry: Woohoo! Food!
Hermione: really Harry, hmph
Harry: Stuff it, Herm.
Neville: how was your vacation Harry?
Harry: I'd rather not talk about it.
Neville: Oh... okay.
Neville: I, um, hear that Lupin is back.
Harry: Well, didn't Dumbledore say he was?
Neville: *looks confused* oh... yeah...I guess I forgot.
Harry: Where'd you put that Remembrall?
Neville: It's not Like I wasn't paying attention beacause I was planning world domination or anything. Nope. Not at all. Honestly.
Harry: *looks sidelong at Nev* No, of course not. *scoots away*
Neville: *looks distracted with stupidly cunning expression on* What?
Harry: Nothing, just... *scar twinges* Ouch!
Hermione: Are you okay? You should tell Dumbledore. Or Snape. Or Lupin.
Harry: Yeah, I'm fine *digs through pockest* Where'd I put that sneakoscope? I'll tell them when I'm good and ready.
Neville: I didn't take it!
Harry: I didn't say you did!
Hermione: Harry, tell them now.
Harry: Why?
Hermione: You always never tell them and it always leads to trouble, Harry.
Harry: I do too tell them... eventually
Hermione: Dammit HARRY! DON"T MAKE ME TAKE OUT THE BLOODY WHIP!
Harry: ... I'm off.
Hermione: Wait, Harry!
Harry: What now?
Hermione: Where are you going?
Harry: .....
Harry: Did you or did you not just tell me to tell somebody?
Hermy: Oh...
Hermy: *purses lips and stalks off in huff*
Neville: *fiddling with a sneakoscope*
Ron: Looks like it's Hermy's time of the month again.
Neville: Either that or its the herbs I spiked her drink with.
Harry: Hey, is that my sneakoscope?
Neville: What! No!
Harry: And what do you mean, spiked drink?
Neville: Nothing! I ment flavored!
Harry: ..... Neville, I'm really starting to worry about you.
Neville: She apparently doesn't like mint! Honestly!
Harry: Nobody likes mint in their drink. Unless it's tea
Neville: Or mint julep. Not that I've been drinking.
Harry: I thought only Muggles drank that stuff
Neville: ...Yes... only muggles... never wizard students...and never with jellow body shots.
Harry: Sure.
Neville: *turns pale while looking over harry's shoulder* Um, I better go now! *runs off*
Ron: What was that about?
Snape: Well, if it isn't Mr. Potter and his little girlfriend.
Harry: *growl*
Snape: *leans down to meet Harry's eyes* Listen Potter, I know I am supposed to be ... pleasant to you, or at least Dumbledoor would appreciate that, but I'm warning you, I will make you suffer.
Lupin: Ahem.
Snape: *stands bolt upright*
Lupin: Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other peoples'
business.
Snape says: *Professor Snape presents his abnormally large foot and politely offers to shove it up Lupin's... ahem*
Lupin: *in a high voice* Just you wait until full moon, Severus!
Snape: Listen, beast, I don't know how Dumbledore convinced anybody to let you back. But NO ONE GETS BETWEEN ME AND MY HARRY! *stops stone still and looks for someone to blame*
Harry: Whoa, wait a minute!
Snape: *in a quiet squeek of a voice* Itwashim! *points at Neville then quickly retreats*
Lupin: Sorry about that, we've been trying to out him for years. *mood changes* Wait a minute... Sev's cheating on me! *runs after Snape yelling "you two-timing bastard!"*
Snape: *sneaking out of the room*
Ron: *shakes his head*
Neville: *pokes head out from Ravenclaw hiding under [table]* Is he gone?
Harry: Oh, we'll see him again in Potions.
Neville: Yes, but he won't see me.
Harry: Why, have you got an invisibility ring?
Neville: What! No! ... God I wish Seamus were here to distract you.
Neville: What! *looks skittish*
Ron: *whispering to Harry* I think he's finally lost his marbles.
Neville: *pats over his robes as if looking for a bag of marbles, wanders off with a purpose*
Harry: I think we should lock him out of the dorm tonight.
Hermione: *strolls back as if nothing has happened* Okay, I forgive you.
Harry: For what?
Hermione: *gets all huffy* Well if you don't know I won't tell you! *holds sign that sez 'not listening to me'*
Harry: Women!
Hermione: *looks flattered* You... noticed!
Harry: Well... yes... you are, aren't you?
Hermione: *positively radiant with bliss*
Harry: *flattens ears* What have I gotten myself into?
Hermione: *businesslike expression* Oh, I overheard something I need to tell you.
Harry: Yes?
Hermione: Snape was hiding in the girls' bathroom from somebody, and he got into a conversation with Moaning Myrtle about death. One thing he mentioned was the veil.
Harry: *sniff* Do you have to bring that up, Hermy?
Hermione: ... and possible reversal of
Harry: ...! Rewha!!!
Hermione: I didn't hear much more, about then Lupin burst in.
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Rhen they started blaming each other of beastiality. I wonder what that was about.
Harry: Oh, probably nothing.
Hermione: Listen, I think we should starr researching this veil, I'm sure I remember reading about in 'Know-It-All, A History'.
Harry: Is there anything that's not in that book?
Hermione: Not that I know of, but then I've only read volume one of two thousand.
Harry: That's a whole shitload of volumes.
Hermione: Rhen there are the previous editions that cover other countries.... and the compendium for recent articles....god I have no life..
Harry: No argument.
Hermione: *looks shocked* Shit! We're the last ones here!
Harry: Oh. Don't they usually tell us when it's time for bed? Hey, remember the time when I killed that basilisk and saved the school and we were partying in here until four in the morning?
Hermione: yes...
Harry: Those were the days.
Hermione: You were partying, I was reading.
Harry: You were pissed because exams had been cancelled.
Hermione: You and Ron came back to the common room dressed in leather.
Harry: *grins* And lookin' good.
Hermione: I took a picture. Later I sent it to Snape during the Triwizard tournament when I was feeling all pissy.
Harry: Uh oh.
Hermione: I think he sent a thank you note. I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic. *honestly looks naive* Maybe we should get back to the common room. Harry, are you okay?
Harry: *suddenly very pale*
Hermione: Is your scar acting up again?
Harry: What? No... Snape was saying something about nothing getting between him and "his Harry" before he hid in the bathroom.
Hermione: Oops.
Harry: I think you'd better stop sending him pictures.
Hermione: Um... I also sent a copy to Draco... I was a little buzzed on firewhisky.
Harry: Who else did you send a copy to, out of curiosity?
Hermione: Mrs. Weasley, but the picture never made it...but moaning Myrtle stole a copy too.
Harry: Ohh....
Hermione: ...So... commonroom anyone?
Harry: She's already seen me naked! What more does she want?
Ron: Common room sounds like a good idea. Come along, Harry.
Hermione: *Drags boys to common room*
Ron: Ah, home away from home.
Neville: *innocently squirrelled away in corner*
Harry : Home away from hell.
Neville: *whispering to Trevor, chuckles*
Harry: What is wrong with him?
Neville: *spins around startled* Harry!
Harry: Yes, last time I checked.
Neville: I didn't see you!
Harry: You... didn't see me?
Neville: Yes, and I wasn't sewing a voodoo doll of Seamus to make him like me!
Harry: Look, your personal life is your business...
Neville: *shoves sewing basket under robe ... um, Harry, I don't suppose you know what potions are good for nerves... do you?
Harry: Can't think of any off the top of my head... just try something decaffinated.
Neville: *stares of into space while vibrating at very high speed*... ohh... *tips coffee into fireplace*
Harry: *to Ron and Hermy, whispering* Let's go to the other end of the room.
Hermione: *whispers to Harry* I'll go destroy his stash.
Harry: You do that, Herms.
Hermione: *sneaks into boys dorm*
Neville: *whispering to self* ... My precious ...
Harry: *peers over Neville's shoulder, trying to see if he has a ring*
Neville: *stroking ring, leaning over sketch of circle of 'summon elf'*
Harry: ... The hell?
Neville: GYAHH!!!
Harry: *whistles innocently*
Neville: *VERY startled* *goes back to stroking ring* coffee...coffee...coffee...
Hermione: *sneaks down stairs, whispers* Harry, Ron... He had twenty pounds of Columbian dragon brew up there!
Harry: Holy crap! ... What is it?
Hermione: That's enough coffee to make a giant explode!
Harry: He's got a ring and he's calling it precious... should we worry?
Hermione: Maybe, it seemed that he had enough chicken blood up there to create a summoning circle.
Harry: A 'summon elf' circle.
Hermione: House elf?
Harry: I dunno.
Hermione: Thats barbaric!
Neville: *jerkily abandons stuff and wanders up to dorm*
Hermione: I destroyed his stash.
Harry: Still, I don't want him coming at me in the night with something sharp.
Neville: *loud blood-curdling scream coming from dormitory* COFFEE! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Heh heh heh.
Hermione: Quick, let's look! *rushes over to -stuff-*
Harry: What does it mean, Hermione?
Hermione: *reads* 'Summon wood elf :Legolas'. Who's Legolas?
Harry: I dunno, you're the one what reads all the time!
Hermione: ... Do we let him try the circle?
Harry: hm...
Hermione: Oh! Nice ring.
Harry: Uh, Hermy, I wouldn't...
Hermione: *looks sidelong at harry* Fine... but only because you listened to me earlier.
Harry: .... when?
Hermione: Wait... you never did tell....
Harry: Tou didn't think it was so urgent a minute later!
Hermione: *picks up ring*
Harry: And I never got a chance!
Hermione: *rolls eyes*.. Fine, here... *hands to Harry*
Harry: I don't want it! I can't wear gold
Hermione: Fine! *huffy* I'll hand it over to Draco then!
Harry: I suppose I could always ask Lupin what it is.
Hermione: Fine then, to his office ... or maybe, seeing how late it is, we should head to bed.
Harry: *sigh* whatever you say
Hermione: Bed? Or office?
Harry: *grins* Is that a trick question? Don't answer that...
*large boom from upstairs boys' dormitory*
Harry: Uh?
Neville: *offstage* WOOHOO!
Harry: Crap! *runs up the stairs*
Neville: *sitting covered in soot at foot of a bed, bloody circle in middle of room with leather clad elf in middle*
Harry: Saaaay....
Hermione: Saaaay...
Ron: Put your tongues back in your mouths!
Leggy: Huh?
Hermione: Ron, stop being so jealous.
Hermione: You already have to compete with Snape, what's one more?
Ron: Not to mention Chang and Ginny.
Neville: *snores* snoore
Hermione: Why don't you put the poor thing on Seamus's bed, we can explain to Dean tommorrow.
Neville: Snoore
Ron: Come along, elf. time for night-night!
Leggy: This is completely undignified for a prince of my race! *follows Ron*
Ron: Whatever, pretty boy. We'll talk in the morning.
Leggy: *shrugs, wipes off blood, and collapses on bed*
Hermione: Well, I guess this solves to problem of whether to let Neville try the summoning.
Ron: Hermione... how'd you know about Seamus and Dean?
Hermione: What?
Ron: You said, ''we can explain to Dean tomorrow".
Hermione: Oh, well Seamus isn't here and Dean -who managed to sleep through the explosion - might be confused at finding the elf in his friend's bed.
Ron: Oh...
Hermione: Why? Is there something about those two I should know?
Ron says: uh... no...
Harry: You mean other than all the kinky stuff they're into?
Hermione: Right, well back to the question, bed or office? ... wait a minute... what?
Harry: *confused* I thought everybody knew.
Hermione: No! I didn't!... that's like saying that Crabbe and Goyle are butt-buddies...
Harry: Well...as a matter of fact...
Hermione: *suddenly aware of hot, mature elf who might be listening* Perhaps we should continue this downsatairs.
Harry: Agreed.
Hermione: *goes downsatirs*
Harry: *follows*
Hermione: *grumble* Bloody hell... am I the only one NOT getting laid?
Harry: *snicker*
Hermione: Slut.
Harry: Hey, I'll have you know I'm completely monogamous *puts his arm around Ron*
Hermione: *sigh*
Harry: So what is it we're continuing to discuss?
Hermione: Right, do we sneak out and wake up Lupin to ask about the ring?
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Or do we just split up and go to bed?
Harry: Well, Lupin I guess...
Hermione: Right, after you Harry.
Harry: ...Should we use the cloak?
Hermione: Sounds good to me. *steps closer to Harry*
Harry: Ahem... *throws cloak around all three*
Hermione: *opens door and lets Harry lead way*
Harry: *clamber clamber*
Hermione: So... are there -any- straight guys this year?
Harry: Hmm....maybe Colin Creevey...
Hermione: ... fuck...
Harry: No thanks.
Hermione: .... *icy silence that would freeze hell over twice*...
Ron: Aren't you still seeing that Krum guy?
Hermione: Vicky turned out to be turning favors to the referees.
Ron: ...Oh.
Harry: Finch-Fletchley may be free.
Hermione: Maybe I should just start trolling amoung the teachers.
Harry: Lessee... there's Flitwick and Binns and Dumbledore and Firenze...
Hermione: .........
Harry: And Hagrid...
Hermione: Maybe I should wait untill college.
Harry: *to Ron* Are there wizard colleges too?
Hermione: *pretending the question was directed at her* I was thinking about attending muggle college. ... Oh... we're here!
Harry: Oh. *knock knock*
Hermione: I'm hoping he's awake.
Lupin: *grumble, muffled* Who's therer?
Hermione: *waits for Harry to answer*
Harry: It's us!
Hermione: We have a question!
Lupin: *cracks the door open* Where are you?
Hermione: Here! *sticks hand out from under cloak*
Lupin: Gah! ... oh... well... better come in, then.
Hermione: *pulls Harry and Ron in*
Lupin: *motions to chairs, dressed in ratty robe (think Secret Window)* Have a seat.
Hermione: Thanks. *takes seat* We found this ring... Neville was messing with it. *holds forth ring* I'm worried about him.
Lupin: *blinks blearily at ring*
Hermione: He's been really fucked up recently, and somehow managed to summon a very hot elf.
Lupin: *looks suddenly alert* Did he?
Hermione: yes, *honestly naive* We just laid him innocently out on a bed. He's completely off guard and very vulnerable.
Lupin: *a dreamy grin slowly starts to creep across his face* Ahem... do you have the ring?
Hermione: Yes. *hands ring to Lupin* Nevile is passed out on the floor.
Lupin: Hmmm... looks like a ring to me... *pulls out wand* Revealo enchantmentus!
Hermione: *studies wand movement and spell*
*there is a small explosion, leaving blackened faces and singed hair*
Lupin: It's a magic one, all right.
Hermione: Yeah... what does it do?
Lupin: Well, let's see. *puts on ring and promptly disappears* Aichiwawa!
Hermione: *struggles to maintain composure*
Lupin: *removes ring* Very interesting...
Hermione: *thinks about what she could do with ring*
Harry: I think maybe we should take that to Dumbledore.
Hermione: Sounds good. Maybe we should tell him about you scar hurting.
Harry: Oh yeah.
Hermione: Well Professor Lupin, it looks like we must say goodnight.
Lupin: Uh, yes.. goodnight, then. Glad to be of help. *yawns*
Hermione: Goodnight. *slips under cloak and waits for Harry*
Harry: *joins Hermy under cloak*
Hermione: *pulls ron by ear and leaves*
Ron: Owtch!
Hermione: *leads to Dumbledore's office*
Harry: Aw, do we have to do it now?
Hermione: ... I could keep the ring safe untill tommorrow.
Harry: Oh, well, let's get this over with then.
Hermione: No, honestly, I could keep the ring safe while we all get some sleep.
Harry: No, I really think we should go see Dumbledore.
Hermione: Right. *leads way*
Dumbledore: *door opens as if all-knowing wizard knows trio is coming*
Harry: I guess that means I don't get to knock on the griffon's head.
Dumbledore says: Welcome, Harry.
Harry: Uh, hello.
Dumbledore: How can I help you?
Harry: Well, we found this ring, see, and Neville's been acting weird, and my scar's flaring up again...
Dumbledore: My word! Neville's been acting up?
Harry: He summoned a wood elf, Professor.
Dumbledore: My word! He summoned a proffessor woodelf?
Harry: No, just a wood elf.
Dumbledore: My word! Neville's been acting up?
Harry: ....
Dumbledore: .. Uh, I'm repeating myself.
Harry: Yes.
Dumbledore: Right. Well, show me this ring, if you have it on you.
Harry: Hermione...
Hermione: *sighs, hands ring over*
Dumbledore: *take ring* Hmm.
Harry: Well? Is it evil?
Dumbledore: The wood elf? I can't say, I haven't met him yet.
Harry: The ring, Professor.
Dumbledore: Hmm.... well, it looks familiar. *finds ancient book, flips through* Yes.
Harry: Ah.
Dumbledore: But there is a problem: it can only be destroyed in one manner...
Harry: And that is?
Dumbledore: Hmm... either it must be taken to Mount Doom in Mordor...or we must cover it in pure Columbian dragon brew.
Harry: Damn. Well... where's Mordor, then?
Dumbledore: I don't know...
Harry: Maybe we should ask the wood elf.
Hermione: Well, I didn't actually destroy Neville's supply of coffee... that was dragon brew.
Harry: Oh. Well, this should be a hell of a lot easier then.
Hermione: I was planning on selling it the Ravenclaws. Not one of them isn't a hopeless addict.
Harry: Why would you want to that? Rhey're formidable enough in Quidditch!
Hermione: Imagine a Quidditch team full of Nevilles.
Harry: *shudders*
Dumbledore: Ahem.
Harry: Oh... yes?
Dumbledore: Well, leave the ring here, and tommorrow I will take the coffee and destroy it. I will also talk with the elf.
Harry: Okay.
Dumbledore: Meanwhile, I suggest that you three get some sleep.
Harry: *yawns*
Dumbledore: Your potions class should be bright and early tommorrow, providing I can pry Snape from the girls' bathroom.
Harry: igh...
Dumbledore: Goodnight! * ushers trio from room*
Hermione: Well, I guess this time we actually call it a night.
Harry: Yeah.. if we make it back to the dorms.
***
How Hermione can be so astoundingly naive yet be the head of an underground porn ring (as will appear in further sessions) is beyond me. Blame Erica.
Marie: Harry, Ron, Lupin
Sadly, Delaney does not appear in this session.
Spelling mistakes corrected: 33
***
*First day of the sixth year, all students - save those who missed the train - are in the great hall. people have been sorted and Dumbledore is addressing the crowd*
Dumbledore: Ahem.
Dumbledore: Welcome, I trust all returning students have had uneventful vacations. Now as it is traditional, I must give a few words
Dumbledore: Up sodding faces shut.
Harry: Hey!
Dumbledore: Now we have brought back a previous defense teacher, professor Lupin.
Harry: *gasp*
Dumbledore: Professor, care to great the students?
Professor Lupin: Erm... hello.
Dumbledore: For those who don't care for my decision, refer to my previous words. Now, I advise all students to avoid the forest, thrid floor, and Snape.
Professor Lupin: I second that.
Dumbledore: That is all, enjoy your meal. *sits down*
Harry: Woohoo! Food!
Hermione: really Harry, hmph
Harry: Stuff it, Herm.
Neville: how was your vacation Harry?
Harry: I'd rather not talk about it.
Neville: Oh... okay.
Neville: I, um, hear that Lupin is back.
Harry: Well, didn't Dumbledore say he was?
Neville: *looks confused* oh... yeah...I guess I forgot.
Harry: Where'd you put that Remembrall?
Neville: It's not Like I wasn't paying attention beacause I was planning world domination or anything. Nope. Not at all. Honestly.
Harry: *looks sidelong at Nev* No, of course not. *scoots away*
Neville: *looks distracted with stupidly cunning expression on* What?
Harry: Nothing, just... *scar twinges* Ouch!
Hermione: Are you okay? You should tell Dumbledore. Or Snape. Or Lupin.
Harry: Yeah, I'm fine *digs through pockest* Where'd I put that sneakoscope? I'll tell them when I'm good and ready.
Neville: I didn't take it!
Harry: I didn't say you did!
Hermione: Harry, tell them now.
Harry: Why?
Hermione: You always never tell them and it always leads to trouble, Harry.
Harry: I do too tell them... eventually
Hermione: Dammit HARRY! DON"T MAKE ME TAKE OUT THE BLOODY WHIP!
Harry: ... I'm off.
Hermione: Wait, Harry!
Harry: What now?
Hermione: Where are you going?
Harry: .....
Harry: Did you or did you not just tell me to tell somebody?
Hermy: Oh...
Hermy: *purses lips and stalks off in huff*
Neville: *fiddling with a sneakoscope*
Ron: Looks like it's Hermy's time of the month again.
Neville: Either that or its the herbs I spiked her drink with.
Harry: Hey, is that my sneakoscope?
Neville: What! No!
Harry: And what do you mean, spiked drink?
Neville: Nothing! I ment flavored!
Harry: ..... Neville, I'm really starting to worry about you.
Neville: She apparently doesn't like mint! Honestly!
Harry: Nobody likes mint in their drink. Unless it's tea
Neville: Or mint julep. Not that I've been drinking.
Harry: I thought only Muggles drank that stuff
Neville: ...Yes... only muggles... never wizard students...and never with jellow body shots.
Harry: Sure.
Neville: *turns pale while looking over harry's shoulder* Um, I better go now! *runs off*
Ron: What was that about?
Snape: Well, if it isn't Mr. Potter and his little girlfriend.
Harry: *growl*
Snape: *leans down to meet Harry's eyes* Listen Potter, I know I am supposed to be ... pleasant to you, or at least Dumbledoor would appreciate that, but I'm warning you, I will make you suffer.
Lupin: Ahem.
Snape: *stands bolt upright*
Lupin: Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other peoples'
business.
Snape says: *Professor Snape presents his abnormally large foot and politely offers to shove it up Lupin's... ahem*
Lupin: *in a high voice* Just you wait until full moon, Severus!
Snape: Listen, beast, I don't know how Dumbledore convinced anybody to let you back. But NO ONE GETS BETWEEN ME AND MY HARRY! *stops stone still and looks for someone to blame*
Harry: Whoa, wait a minute!
Snape: *in a quiet squeek of a voice* Itwashim! *points at Neville then quickly retreats*
Lupin: Sorry about that, we've been trying to out him for years. *mood changes* Wait a minute... Sev's cheating on me! *runs after Snape yelling "you two-timing bastard!"*
Snape: *sneaking out of the room*
Ron: *shakes his head*
Neville: *pokes head out from Ravenclaw hiding under [table]* Is he gone?
Harry: Oh, we'll see him again in Potions.
Neville: Yes, but he won't see me.
Harry: Why, have you got an invisibility ring?
Neville: What! No! ... God I wish Seamus were here to distract you.
Neville: What! *looks skittish*
Ron: *whispering to Harry* I think he's finally lost his marbles.
Neville: *pats over his robes as if looking for a bag of marbles, wanders off with a purpose*
Harry: I think we should lock him out of the dorm tonight.
Hermione: *strolls back as if nothing has happened* Okay, I forgive you.
Harry: For what?
Hermione: *gets all huffy* Well if you don't know I won't tell you! *holds sign that sez 'not listening to me'*
Harry: Women!
Hermione: *looks flattered* You... noticed!
Harry: Well... yes... you are, aren't you?
Hermione: *positively radiant with bliss*
Harry: *flattens ears* What have I gotten myself into?
Hermione: *businesslike expression* Oh, I overheard something I need to tell you.
Harry: Yes?
Hermione: Snape was hiding in the girls' bathroom from somebody, and he got into a conversation with Moaning Myrtle about death. One thing he mentioned was the veil.
Harry: *sniff* Do you have to bring that up, Hermy?
Hermione: ... and possible reversal of
Harry: ...! Rewha!!!
Hermione: I didn't hear much more, about then Lupin burst in.
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Rhen they started blaming each other of beastiality. I wonder what that was about.
Harry: Oh, probably nothing.
Hermione: Listen, I think we should starr researching this veil, I'm sure I remember reading about in 'Know-It-All, A History'.
Harry: Is there anything that's not in that book?
Hermione: Not that I know of, but then I've only read volume one of two thousand.
Harry: That's a whole shitload of volumes.
Hermione: Rhen there are the previous editions that cover other countries.... and the compendium for recent articles....god I have no life..
Harry: No argument.
Hermione: *looks shocked* Shit! We're the last ones here!
Harry: Oh. Don't they usually tell us when it's time for bed? Hey, remember the time when I killed that basilisk and saved the school and we were partying in here until four in the morning?
Hermione: yes...
Harry: Those were the days.
Hermione: You were partying, I was reading.
Harry: You were pissed because exams had been cancelled.
Hermione: You and Ron came back to the common room dressed in leather.
Harry: *grins* And lookin' good.
Hermione: I took a picture. Later I sent it to Snape during the Triwizard tournament when I was feeling all pissy.
Harry: Uh oh.
Hermione: I think he sent a thank you note. I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic. *honestly looks naive* Maybe we should get back to the common room. Harry, are you okay?
Harry: *suddenly very pale*
Hermione: Is your scar acting up again?
Harry: What? No... Snape was saying something about nothing getting between him and "his Harry" before he hid in the bathroom.
Hermione: Oops.
Harry: I think you'd better stop sending him pictures.
Hermione: Um... I also sent a copy to Draco... I was a little buzzed on firewhisky.
Harry: Who else did you send a copy to, out of curiosity?
Hermione: Mrs. Weasley, but the picture never made it...but moaning Myrtle stole a copy too.
Harry: Ohh....
Hermione: ...So... commonroom anyone?
Harry: She's already seen me naked! What more does she want?
Ron: Common room sounds like a good idea. Come along, Harry.
Hermione: *Drags boys to common room*
Ron: Ah, home away from home.
Neville: *innocently squirrelled away in corner*
Harry : Home away from hell.
Neville: *whispering to Trevor, chuckles*
Harry: What is wrong with him?
Neville: *spins around startled* Harry!
Harry: Yes, last time I checked.
Neville: I didn't see you!
Harry: You... didn't see me?
Neville: Yes, and I wasn't sewing a voodoo doll of Seamus to make him like me!
Harry: Look, your personal life is your business...
Neville: *shoves sewing basket under robe ... um, Harry, I don't suppose you know what potions are good for nerves... do you?
Harry: Can't think of any off the top of my head... just try something decaffinated.
Neville: *stares of into space while vibrating at very high speed*... ohh... *tips coffee into fireplace*
Harry: *to Ron and Hermy, whispering* Let's go to the other end of the room.
Hermione: *whispers to Harry* I'll go destroy his stash.
Harry: You do that, Herms.
Hermione: *sneaks into boys dorm*
Neville: *whispering to self* ... My precious ...
Harry: *peers over Neville's shoulder, trying to see if he has a ring*
Neville: *stroking ring, leaning over sketch of circle of 'summon elf'*
Harry: ... The hell?
Neville: GYAHH!!!
Harry: *whistles innocently*
Neville: *VERY startled* *goes back to stroking ring* coffee...coffee...coffee...
Hermione: *sneaks down stairs, whispers* Harry, Ron... He had twenty pounds of Columbian dragon brew up there!
Harry: Holy crap! ... What is it?
Hermione: That's enough coffee to make a giant explode!
Harry: He's got a ring and he's calling it precious... should we worry?
Hermione: Maybe, it seemed that he had enough chicken blood up there to create a summoning circle.
Harry: A 'summon elf' circle.
Hermione: House elf?
Harry: I dunno.
Hermione: Thats barbaric!
Neville: *jerkily abandons stuff and wanders up to dorm*
Hermione: I destroyed his stash.
Harry: Still, I don't want him coming at me in the night with something sharp.
Neville: *loud blood-curdling scream coming from dormitory* COFFEE! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Harry: Heh heh heh.
Hermione: Quick, let's look! *rushes over to -stuff-*
Harry: What does it mean, Hermione?
Hermione: *reads* 'Summon wood elf :Legolas'. Who's Legolas?
Harry: I dunno, you're the one what reads all the time!
Hermione: ... Do we let him try the circle?
Harry: hm...
Hermione: Oh! Nice ring.
Harry: Uh, Hermy, I wouldn't...
Hermione: *looks sidelong at harry* Fine... but only because you listened to me earlier.
Harry: .... when?
Hermione: Wait... you never did tell....
Harry: Tou didn't think it was so urgent a minute later!
Hermione: *picks up ring*
Harry: And I never got a chance!
Hermione: *rolls eyes*.. Fine, here... *hands to Harry*
Harry: I don't want it! I can't wear gold
Hermione: Fine! *huffy* I'll hand it over to Draco then!
Harry: I suppose I could always ask Lupin what it is.
Hermione: Fine then, to his office ... or maybe, seeing how late it is, we should head to bed.
Harry: *sigh* whatever you say
Hermione: Bed? Or office?
Harry: *grins* Is that a trick question? Don't answer that...
*large boom from upstairs boys' dormitory*
Harry: Uh?
Neville: *offstage* WOOHOO!
Harry: Crap! *runs up the stairs*
Neville: *sitting covered in soot at foot of a bed, bloody circle in middle of room with leather clad elf in middle*
Harry: Saaaay....
Hermione: Saaaay...
Ron: Put your tongues back in your mouths!
Leggy: Huh?
Hermione: Ron, stop being so jealous.
Hermione: You already have to compete with Snape, what's one more?
Ron: Not to mention Chang and Ginny.
Neville: *snores* snoore
Hermione: Why don't you put the poor thing on Seamus's bed, we can explain to Dean tommorrow.
Neville: Snoore
Ron: Come along, elf. time for night-night!
Leggy: This is completely undignified for a prince of my race! *follows Ron*
Ron: Whatever, pretty boy. We'll talk in the morning.
Leggy: *shrugs, wipes off blood, and collapses on bed*
Hermione: Well, I guess this solves to problem of whether to let Neville try the summoning.
Ron: Hermione... how'd you know about Seamus and Dean?
Hermione: What?
Ron: You said, ''we can explain to Dean tomorrow".
Hermione: Oh, well Seamus isn't here and Dean -who managed to sleep through the explosion - might be confused at finding the elf in his friend's bed.
Ron: Oh...
Hermione: Why? Is there something about those two I should know?
Ron says: uh... no...
Harry: You mean other than all the kinky stuff they're into?
Hermione: Right, well back to the question, bed or office? ... wait a minute... what?
Harry: *confused* I thought everybody knew.
Hermione: No! I didn't!... that's like saying that Crabbe and Goyle are butt-buddies...
Harry: Well...as a matter of fact...
Hermione: *suddenly aware of hot, mature elf who might be listening* Perhaps we should continue this downsatairs.
Harry: Agreed.
Hermione: *goes downsatirs*
Harry: *follows*
Hermione: *grumble* Bloody hell... am I the only one NOT getting laid?
Harry: *snicker*
Hermione: Slut.
Harry: Hey, I'll have you know I'm completely monogamous *puts his arm around Ron*
Hermione: *sigh*
Harry: So what is it we're continuing to discuss?
Hermione: Right, do we sneak out and wake up Lupin to ask about the ring?
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Or do we just split up and go to bed?
Harry: Well, Lupin I guess...
Hermione: Right, after you Harry.
Harry: ...Should we use the cloak?
Hermione: Sounds good to me. *steps closer to Harry*
Harry: Ahem... *throws cloak around all three*
Hermione: *opens door and lets Harry lead way*
Harry: *clamber clamber*
Hermione: So... are there -any- straight guys this year?
Harry: Hmm....maybe Colin Creevey...
Hermione: ... fuck...
Harry: No thanks.
Hermione: .... *icy silence that would freeze hell over twice*...
Ron: Aren't you still seeing that Krum guy?
Hermione: Vicky turned out to be turning favors to the referees.
Ron: ...Oh.
Harry: Finch-Fletchley may be free.
Hermione: Maybe I should just start trolling amoung the teachers.
Harry: Lessee... there's Flitwick and Binns and Dumbledore and Firenze...
Hermione: .........
Harry: And Hagrid...
Hermione: Maybe I should wait untill college.
Harry: *to Ron* Are there wizard colleges too?
Hermione: *pretending the question was directed at her* I was thinking about attending muggle college. ... Oh... we're here!
Harry: Oh. *knock knock*
Hermione: I'm hoping he's awake.
Lupin: *grumble, muffled* Who's therer?
Hermione: *waits for Harry to answer*
Harry: It's us!
Hermione: We have a question!
Lupin: *cracks the door open* Where are you?
Hermione: Here! *sticks hand out from under cloak*
Lupin: Gah! ... oh... well... better come in, then.
Hermione: *pulls Harry and Ron in*
Lupin: *motions to chairs, dressed in ratty robe (think Secret Window)* Have a seat.
Hermione: Thanks. *takes seat* We found this ring... Neville was messing with it. *holds forth ring* I'm worried about him.
Lupin: *blinks blearily at ring*
Hermione: He's been really fucked up recently, and somehow managed to summon a very hot elf.
Lupin: *looks suddenly alert* Did he?
Hermione: yes, *honestly naive* We just laid him innocently out on a bed. He's completely off guard and very vulnerable.
Lupin: *a dreamy grin slowly starts to creep across his face* Ahem... do you have the ring?
Hermione: Yes. *hands ring to Lupin* Nevile is passed out on the floor.
Lupin: Hmmm... looks like a ring to me... *pulls out wand* Revealo enchantmentus!
Hermione: *studies wand movement and spell*
*there is a small explosion, leaving blackened faces and singed hair*
Lupin: It's a magic one, all right.
Hermione: Yeah... what does it do?
Lupin: Well, let's see. *puts on ring and promptly disappears* Aichiwawa!
Hermione: *struggles to maintain composure*
Lupin: *removes ring* Very interesting...
Hermione: *thinks about what she could do with ring*
Harry: I think maybe we should take that to Dumbledore.
Hermione: Sounds good. Maybe we should tell him about you scar hurting.
Harry: Oh yeah.
Hermione: Well Professor Lupin, it looks like we must say goodnight.
Lupin: Uh, yes.. goodnight, then. Glad to be of help. *yawns*
Hermione: Goodnight. *slips under cloak and waits for Harry*
Harry: *joins Hermy under cloak*
Hermione: *pulls ron by ear and leaves*
Ron: Owtch!
Hermione: *leads to Dumbledore's office*
Harry: Aw, do we have to do it now?
Hermione: ... I could keep the ring safe untill tommorrow.
Harry: Oh, well, let's get this over with then.
Hermione: No, honestly, I could keep the ring safe while we all get some sleep.
Harry: No, I really think we should go see Dumbledore.
Hermione: Right. *leads way*
Dumbledore: *door opens as if all-knowing wizard knows trio is coming*
Harry: I guess that means I don't get to knock on the griffon's head.
Dumbledore says: Welcome, Harry.
Harry: Uh, hello.
Dumbledore: How can I help you?
Harry: Well, we found this ring, see, and Neville's been acting weird, and my scar's flaring up again...
Dumbledore: My word! Neville's been acting up?
Harry: He summoned a wood elf, Professor.
Dumbledore: My word! He summoned a proffessor woodelf?
Harry: No, just a wood elf.
Dumbledore: My word! Neville's been acting up?
Harry: ....
Dumbledore: .. Uh, I'm repeating myself.
Harry: Yes.
Dumbledore: Right. Well, show me this ring, if you have it on you.
Harry: Hermione...
Hermione: *sighs, hands ring over*
Dumbledore: *take ring* Hmm.
Harry: Well? Is it evil?
Dumbledore: The wood elf? I can't say, I haven't met him yet.
Harry: The ring, Professor.
Dumbledore: Hmm.... well, it looks familiar. *finds ancient book, flips through* Yes.
Harry: Ah.
Dumbledore: But there is a problem: it can only be destroyed in one manner...
Harry: And that is?
Dumbledore: Hmm... either it must be taken to Mount Doom in Mordor...or we must cover it in pure Columbian dragon brew.
Harry: Damn. Well... where's Mordor, then?
Dumbledore: I don't know...
Harry: Maybe we should ask the wood elf.
Hermione: Well, I didn't actually destroy Neville's supply of coffee... that was dragon brew.
Harry: Oh. Well, this should be a hell of a lot easier then.
Hermione: I was planning on selling it the Ravenclaws. Not one of them isn't a hopeless addict.
Harry: Why would you want to that? Rhey're formidable enough in Quidditch!
Hermione: Imagine a Quidditch team full of Nevilles.
Harry: *shudders*
Dumbledore: Ahem.
Harry: Oh... yes?
Dumbledore: Well, leave the ring here, and tommorrow I will take the coffee and destroy it. I will also talk with the elf.
Harry: Okay.
Dumbledore: Meanwhile, I suggest that you three get some sleep.
Harry: *yawns*
Dumbledore: Your potions class should be bright and early tommorrow, providing I can pry Snape from the girls' bathroom.
Harry: igh...
Dumbledore: Goodnight! * ushers trio from room*
Hermione: Well, I guess this time we actually call it a night.
Harry: Yeah.. if we make it back to the dorms.
***
How Hermione can be so astoundingly naive yet be the head of an underground porn ring (as will appear in further sessions) is beyond me. Blame Erica.
Otherwise: I finally saw Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Wow.
